Contempt is eroding your relationship and you might not even realize it.

That eye roll during an argument?

The sarcastic comment under your breath?

The dismissive wave of your hand?

These aren’t just harmless reactions.

They’re symptoms of a deadly relationship poison: contempt.

Most men don’t recognize contempt for what it is.

They think it’s just part of normal relationship conflict.

Contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce, according to over four decades of research by relationship experts John and Julie Gottman.

If you’re struggling with conflict in your relationship, chances are contempt is playing a bigger role than you realize.

And it’s not just damaging your relationship – it’s eroding your self-respect and your partner’s trust in you.

Once you understand contempt, you can start to eliminate it from your relationship.

And when you do, you’ll unlock a level of intimacy and connection you might have thought was lost forever.

In this article, we’re going to dive deep into the world of contempt.

We’ll explore:

• What contempt really is and why it’s so destructive
• The hidden reasons you might be using contempt without realizing it
• How to recognize contempt in yourself and your partner
• Practical strategies to eliminate contempt and replace it with respect
• A powerful framework for transforming conflict into connection

This isn’t about pointing fingers or placing blame.

It’s about giving you the tools to create the relationship you truly want – one built on mutual respect, understanding, and deep connection.

Let’s dive in.

The Silent Killer in Your Relationship

Imagine a slow-acting poison.

It doesn’t kill immediately.

Instead, it gradually weakens its victim, breaking down vital systems until the body can no longer function.

That’s contempt in your relationship.

You might think contempt is just annoyance or frustration.

It’s not.

Contempt goes deeper. It’s a mixture of anger and disgust that says, “You’re beneath me.”

When you feel contempt for your partner, you’re not just disagreeing with them. You’re looking down on them.

You’re treating them as inferior, unworthy of your respect.

Most men don’t even realize they’re doing it.

You might think that sarcastic comment is just a joke. That eye roll? Just a reaction. The dismissive tone? You’re just tired.

But each of these actions is a drop of poison in your relationship.

Over time, they add up.

They erode trust, kill intimacy, and destroy the foundation of respect that every healthy relationship needs.

The Gottmans’ research shows that contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce.

Not arguing. Not disagreement. Contempt.

Why is contempt so deadly?

Because it attacks your partner’s sense of self.

It makes them feel worthless, disrespected, and unloved.

And over time, it makes them stop trying.

Contempt doesn’t just hurt your partner. It hurts you too.

When you treat your partner with contempt, you’re not just pushing them away.

You’re also damaging your own self-respect.

You’re becoming someone you probably don’t want to be – someone who treats the person they’re supposed to love with disdain and disrespect.

And that’s not the kind of man you want to be, is it?

The Hidden Roots of Contempt

You might be thinking, “I don’t mean to treat my partner with contempt. It just happens sometimes when I’m frustrated.”

And you’re right. Most men don’t consciously choose to be contemptuous.

So why does it happen?

The truth is, contempt often has deeper roots than we realize.

It’s not just about your partner’s annoying habits or the argument you’re having in the moment.

It’s often a reflection of underlying issues in yourself and your relationship.

Here are some common reasons men resort to contempt:

1. Unmet Expectations: When your partner consistently fails to meet your expectations, it’s easy to start looking down on them. You might think, “Why can’t they just do this simple thing?” But have you communicated your expectations clearly? Are they realistic?
2. Feeling Unappreciated: If you feel like your efforts in the relationship go unnoticed, you might use contempt as a way to make yourself feel superior. It’s a defense mechanism, but it only pushes your partner further away.
3. Unresolved Resentment: Small grievances that aren’t addressed can build up over time. Eventually, they can turn into a general sense of contempt for your partner.
4. Fear of Vulnerability: Sometimes, contempt is a way of protecting yourself from getting hurt. By putting your partner down, you create emotional distance, which can feel safer than being vulnerable.
5. Learned Behavior: If you grew up in a household where contempt was common, you might have internalized it as a normal way of dealing with conflict.

But here’s the most important thing to understand: Contempt is often a mirror for how you feel about yourself.

When you treat your partner with contempt, you’re often projecting your own insecurities and self-doubt onto them.

It’s easier to focus on their flaws than to confront your own feelings of inadequacy or fear.

This is a hard truth to swallow.

But recognizing it is the first step towards change.

You can’t eliminate contempt from your relationship until you start addressing these deeper issues.

You need to look inward and confront your own fears, insecurities, and unmet needs.

It’s not easy.

But it’s necessary if you want to build a relationship based on mutual respect and understanding.

Recognizing Contempt

Contempt isn’t always obvious.

It’s not always a shouting match or a blatant insult.

Often, it’s much more subtle – which makes it even more dangerous.

Here are some signs of contempt you might be overlooking:

• Eye-rolling: This is a classic sign of contempt. It says, “You’re not even worth listening to.”
• Sarcasm: Not all sarcasm is contemptuous, but when it’s used to belittle or mock your partner, it’s a form of contempt.
• Dismissive body language: Turning away, sighing heavily, or waving your hand dismissively are all non-verbal signs of contempt.
• Hostile humor: Jokes at your partner’s expense, especially about things they’re sensitive about, can be a form of contempt.
• Criticism disguised as “advice”: Constantly pointing out how your partner could do things better, under the guise of helping them, can be contemptuous.
• Assuming the worst: Always interpreting your partner’s actions in the most negative light possible is a sign of contempt.
• Correcting or interrupting: Constantly correcting your partner or finishing their sentences for them can be a subtle form of contempt.

Now, here’s an experiment for you: For the next week, pay close attention to your interactions with your partner.

Notice how often these behaviors show up – both in yourself and in your partner.

Don’t judge or try to change anything yet. Just observe.

Keep a mental (or physical) tally of how often you catch yourself or your partner displaying these signs of contempt.

At the end of the week, reflect on what you’ve observed.

Were you surprised by how often contempt showed up in your interactions?

How did it make you feel when you noticed it?

This awareness is the first step towards change.

You can’t address a problem you don’t recognize.

The Devastating Impact of Contempt

Now that you can recognize contempt, let’s talk about why it’s so destructive.

Contempt doesn’t just hurt in the moment.

Its effects are long-lasting and far-reaching.

Here’s what contempt does to your relationship:

1. It erodes trust: When your partner feels constantly judged and belittled, they stop trusting you with their thoughts and feelings.
2. It kills intimacy: Physical and emotional intimacy require vulnerability. Contempt makes vulnerability feel unsafe.
3. It creates a cycle of negativity: Contempt breeds more contempt. Your partner may start responding to your contempt with their own, creating a downward spiral.
4. It damages self-esteem: Constant exposure to contempt can make your partner doubt their worth and capabilities.
5. It leads to emotional disconnection: Over time, contempt creates emotional distance that can be hard to bridge.
6. It affects physical health: The stress of living with contempt can have real physical effects, from increased cortisol levels to a weakened immune system.

But contempt doesn’t just hurt your partner.

It hurts you too:

• It makes you feel constantly angry and frustrated
• It prevents you from enjoying the good aspects of your relationship
• It can lead to feelings of guilt and shame
• It stops you from growing and improving as a partner

The bottom line? Contempt is relationship poison.

It destroys the very foundation of love and respect that a healthy relationship needs to thrive.

Once you recognize contempt, you can start to eliminate it.

And when you do, you open the door to a deeper, more fulfilling relationship than you might have thought possible.

The Flip Side: Understanding Vulnerability

To truly understand contempt, we need to look at its opposite: vulnerability.

Where contempt builds walls, vulnerability creates bridges.

Where contempt says, “You’re beneath me,” vulnerability says, “I’m willing to be open with you.”

But for many men, vulnerability feels risky.

It might even feel weak.

After all, we’re often taught that showing our feelings or admitting our fears is unmanly.

This is where many men get stuck.

They use contempt as a shield against vulnerability.

It feels safer to put your partner down than to admit you’re hurt, scared, or feeling inadequate.

Real strength isn’t about putting up walls. It’s about having the courage to be vulnerable.

When you’re vulnerable with your partner, you:

• Build trust and intimacy
• Create space for honest communication
• Allow for deeper emotional connection
• Show your partner it’s safe for them to be vulnerable too

Yes, being vulnerable can feel scary.

There’s always the risk of getting hurt.

But without vulnerability, you can never experience the full depth of love and connection that a relationship can offer.

So here’s the challenge: The next time you feel the urge to be contemptuous, try being vulnerable instead.

Instead of a sarcastic comment, try saying, “I’m feeling hurt right now.”

Instead of rolling your eyes, try saying, “I’m struggling to understand your perspective.”

It might feel uncomfortable at first. But with practice, it gets easier.

And the rewards – a stronger, more intimate relationship – are worth it.

The Polarity of Communication: Contempt vs. Vulnerability

To better understand the dynamic between contempt and vulnerability, let’s look at them as two poles on a spectrum of communication:

Contempt Pole:

• Characteristics: Superiority, degradation, emotional distance
• Upside: Feels powerful in the moment, avoids immediate vulnerability
• Downside: Destroys trust, increases emotional distance, erodes respect

Vulnerability Pole:

• Characteristics: Openness, honesty, emotional exposure
• Upside: Fosters closeness, builds true intimacy, strengthens emotional bond
• Downside: Can feel risky, potential for hurt if partner doesn’t respond well

In any interaction, you’re choosing a point on this spectrum.

The key is to recognize when you’re leaning towards contempt and consciously shift towards vulnerability.

Here’s an experiment to try: For the next week, whenever you feel the urge to express contempt, pause. Take a deep breath.

Then, try to identify the vulnerable feeling beneath your contempt. Are you feeling hurt? Scared? Insecure?

Once you’ve identified that feeling, express it to your partner. Instead of “You never listen to me!” (contempt), try “I’m feeling ignored and it hurts” (vulnerability).

At the end of the week, reflect on how this shift affected your interactions.

Did you feel more connected to your partner?

Did your conflicts resolve more easily?

Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate all negative feelings. It’s to express them in a way that brings you closer, not pushes you apart.

Strategies to Eliminate Contempt

Now that you understand contempt and its impact, let’s talk about how to eliminate it from your relationship.

Here are some practical strategies:

1. Practice mindfulness: Before you speak or react, pause. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself: “Is what I’m about to say or do contemptuous?”
2. Express appreciation: Make a daily habit of expressing genuine appreciation for your partner. This helps counteract the negativity bias that can lead to contempt.
3. Use “I” statements: Instead of attacking your partner’s character, express how their actions affect you. “I feel hurt when…” is much more effective than “You always…”
4. Cultivate empathy: Try to see things from your partner’s perspective. What might be driving their behavior?
5. Address issues promptly: Don’t let small grievances fester into contempt. Bring up issues respectfully as they arise.
6. Practice self-compassion: Often, contempt for others stems from being too hard on yourself. Work on treating yourself with kindness and understanding.
7. Seek to understand: When you feel contempt rising, get curious instead. Ask questions to understand your partner’s perspective better.

Remember, eliminating contempt is not just about stopping negative behaviors.

It’s about replacing them with positive ones.

Every time you choose respect over contempt, you’re building a stronger, healthier relationship.

The STOP Framework: A Tool for Transforming Conflict

When you’re in the heat of an argument, it can be hard to remember all these strategies.

That’s why I’ve developed a simple framework you can use in the moment: STOP.

• S – Stop: As soon as you notice contempt creeping in, stop. Close your mouth, take a deep breath.
• T – Take a moment: Give yourself a few seconds to calm down. Count to ten if you need to.
• O – Open up: Instead of attacking, open up about what you’re really feeling underneath the anger.
• P – Profess respect: Even if you’re upset, find something you respect or appreciate about your partner and express it.

Here’s an example of how this might look in practice:

You’re arguing with your partner about household chores.

You feel the urge to roll your eyes and say, “You’re so lazy. You never help around here.”

Instead, you STOP:

• You catch yourself before the eye roll (Stop)
• You take a deep breath (Take a moment)
• You say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated when I have to do all the chores.” (Open up)
• You add, “I know you work hard at your job, and I appreciate that.” (Profess respect)

This approach doesn’t guarantee an instant resolution, but it creates a foundation for a more productive conversation.

It shows your partner that even in conflict, you still respect and value them.

Addressing Common Objections

As you start to work on eliminating contempt from your relationship, you might encounter some internal resistance.

Let’s address some common objections:

“But my partner deserves it sometimes!”

It’s natural to feel justified in your contempt, especially when your partner has done something to hurt or disappoint you. But remember, contempt is never constructive. It doesn’t solve problems; it creates them. Even if your partner has made a mistake, treating them with contempt will only make the situation worse.

“If I don’t stand up for myself, I’ll get walked all over.”

There’s a big difference between standing up for yourself and treating your partner with contempt. You can be assertive and set boundaries without being contemptuous. In fact, clear, respectful communication is much more effective in getting your needs met than contempt ever will be.

“It’s just how I am. I can’t change my personality.”

Contempt is a learned behavior, not an inherent personality trait. Like any habit, it can be unlearned with practice and dedication. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but with time, treating your partner with respect will become your new normal.

“My partner uses contempt too. Why should I be the one to change?”

Someone has to take the first step towards change. By eliminating contempt from your own behavior, you’re not just improving the relationship for your partner – you’re improving it for yourself too. Plus, when you consistently treat your partner with respect, they’re more likely to reciprocate.

The Path Forward: From Contempt to Connection

Eliminating contempt from your relationship isn’t a quick fix.

It’s a journey – one that requires consistent effort, self-reflection, and a willingness to change.

But the rewards are immense.

As you replace contempt with respect and vulnerability, you’ll likely notice:

• Fewer conflicts and quicker resolution when disagreements do arise
• Increased emotional intimacy and connection with your partner
• A more positive atmosphere in your home
• Improved self-esteem for both you and your partner
• A deeper sense of trust and safety in your relationship

The goal isn’t to create a perfect relationship free from all negative emotions.

The goal is to create a relationship where both partners feel respected, valued, and heard – even during conflicts.

So, where do you go from here?

1. Start with awareness: Pay attention to your interactions with your partner. Notice when contempt creeps in.
2. Practice the STOP framework: When you catch yourself being contemptuous, use STOP to shift your approach.
3. Cultivate appreciation: Make it a daily habit to express genuine appreciation for your partner.
4. Be patient with yourself: Changing ingrained habits takes time. If you slip up, acknowledge it, apologize, and recommit to doing better.
5. Seek support if needed: If you’re struggling to eliminate contempt on your own, don’t hesitate to seek help from a couples therapist or relationship coach.

Your Challenge: A Week Without Contempt

Here’s your challenge for the coming week: Commit to seven days without contempt.

Every time you feel the urge to roll your eyes, make a sarcastic comment, or otherwise express contempt, STOP.

Use the framework we discussed. Choose vulnerability over contempt.

At the end of each day, reflect on your interactions.

How did it feel to consciously avoid contempt? How did your partner respond? What did you learn about yourself in the process?

After the week is over, write down your insights. What changed in your relationship? What was challenging? What surprised you?

This isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress.

Even small changes can have a big impact over time.

Final Thoughts: The Power of Choice

Every interaction with your partner is a choice.

You can choose contempt, which pushes you apart, or you can choose respect and vulnerability, which bring you closer together.

It’s not always an easy choice.

In the heat of the moment, contempt might feel satisfying.

It might feel like you’re protecting yourself or standing up for what’s right.

But in the long run, contempt only hurts you both. It erodes the foundation of love and respect that your relationship is built on.

You have the power to make a different choice.

To treat your partner with respect, even when it’s hard.

To be vulnerable, even when it feels risky.

To build a relationship based on mutual understanding and appreciation.

It starts with recognizing contempt for what it is: a destructive force in your relationship.

And it continues with a commitment to choose differently, one interaction at a time.

Your relationship – and the man you want to be – are worth the effort.